Lisa Riley’s Arse

A look back at why being a United fan this month really sucked. Truly. (City, Swansea, Sunderland).

“We needed to see the game out. We’ve given them the initiative. We have to go there knowing we can get a result. This could be their decider, but it’s our decider too. Game on”

City

With those words Sir Alex summed up the Everton game and sent the troops into the City game at the Etihad with a flea in their ear; or that was the idea. We didn’t play like a team trying to get a result, we played like a team trying not to get beaten it was about as effective as a stop sign on a vending machine outside a Weight Watchers meeting.

The best bit was Fergie’s sign language towards Mancini – who the fuck are you?

 There we sat in a bar in town ready to watch this season defining match. Reds to the left of me, jokers to the right and there I was stuck in the middle with two people on a date. Really? The Manchester Derby and you decide you want to make gooey eyes over a bowl of pasta and some cheesey garlic bread? They went in the end and were replaced by this drunk Irish bloke who thought he was the next United manager; to be fair he made the right points; all our subs should have started and we should have looked like we gave a shit for more than just the first fifteen minutes of the first half and the last fifteen of the second.

 Our performances in the last few games of the season were not good enough for a team wanting to be champions.  When we got to eight points clear we played like newly promoted Premier League team that had reached forty points and, with safety confirmed, had played like arse. Free-falling like Tom Petty.

Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

There is nothing enlightening about winning the league because you are the least shitty option in a season.

Swansea

Sat in costa. I can’t bring myself to watch the City game before I go to OT. We haven’t played like Champions this season and it’s a bad thing that we were even close to winning the league when you think about it; not that I wouldn’t have taken it to be honest. GTS some time ago said that no-one bar City looked like making us pay for being shit. Well now they do indeed look like doing that; we’ve handled the trophy chase like it’s a hot potato no-one wanted to grab.

Here’s a pipe bomb for all the blog readers and hashtag mufc enthusiasts out there; we don’t deserve the league. There is nothing enlightening about winning because you are the least shitty option of the two, we have Politics if we want that to be the way the world is run.

Maybe, just maybe we accept this and go to sleep for the summer and comeback to start again in August. Maybe, just maybe, football needs to fuck off and give the powers that be the chance to come up with new ideas. Chip and Dale, I’m talking to you and the non American non chipmunk one, yes you Mr. Gill.

I’m not sure how to think of this match as I write. I’ll publish this as is though. When you read it you’ll know if the Swansea game was a damp turkey or not. Don’t tell me.

Sunderland

If football was a novelty t-shirt, City would be in the I’m with Stupid and we’d be stupid. Man City are what Willis was ‘talkin ’bout’.

We collapsed like a table; a table that shouldn’t have collapsed, one of those sturdy wooden efforts that has survived the wars and could probably see off a Nuke or two. We were that table. Now that table’s been sat on by Lisa Riley’s arse and squashed; Lisa Riley’s arse is Manchester City.

The world is conspiring to make me stop giving a shit about football. It is achieving this by giving the focus to the England National Team. There is no more effective way of making GTS shut up shop for the summer than to ask us to give a shit about footballers we slagged off in their club colours.

England fans are welcome to football, it can fuck off. See you in July.

GTS

© Simon A. Moult / MoultyMedia 2012. All rights reserved. Special thanks to CL and BC and everyone who has read this over the course of a season. Means a lot. Even if you are Welsh.