DURING pre-Christmas week I was in hospital. I had my ankle broken and fused in three places at a right angle and a tendon moved from one side of my foot to the other. I got out of hospital at 10pm the day before Christmas eve, the paramedic transport forgot about me, I went to my parents’ house and I spent 5 days being babied by my Mum. I have had better months.
But Manchester United’s form over the same period, now THAT was painful.
In Europe and on the home front we have been getting spanked harder than a politician in a dungeon with a safe word.
This needs sorting now. I’ve been quirky, I’ve written the sarcastic and while no-one should be seriously shouting sack Fergie, sell Rooney, or anything near, one truth remains; if we don’t fix it soon there will be no season to save.
A lot of Manchester United fans are spoilt, we have only known success and the downtimes we have experienced are, in the context of the football club, not even a blip on the failure radar. It’s not like we have a team on the verge of the fizzy league (or whatever sponsors the first division…Endsleigh? Pontins? Coke?). Yes we are spoilt but I refuse to apologise for my birth certificate and regardless of whether these truly are dark times in context; they are the darkest times I am prepared to put up with. Newcastle? Blackburn? City at the top of the league… that’ll do now; it’s time to get up, I didn’t hear no bell.
Getting Paul to return isn’t a hard chat to have; it’s less Eric in France and more Mike Phelan getting a second helping of cake. Do you fancy it? YES! Easy!
The league gap is surmountable and league business is behind us this weekend so let’s treat this as the one off game it is and go out and give it a go. Everyone needs to be pulling in the same direction though and we need to seriously think about the transfer market after it. I have some Christmas money I am willing to send David Gill, it may help. If The Sun is to be believed (I know, I never thought I’d write that either, I blame morphine), Paul Scholes may be up for returning. Getting Scholes to put on the United shirt in anger again has to be one of the easiest conversations Sir Alex will ever have. It’s less Eric in France and more Mike Phelan getting a second helping of cake. Do you fancy it? YES! Easy!
We can’t rely on plasters to fix massive gaping wounds but I fear we will have to look in Archie’s direction. David Gill will like it, we’re already paying him so if he can just tippex his job description it’s that old chestnut of being “like a new signing”. Arsenal re-signed Terry Henry, all the cool kids are doing it now. And that lot darrrn sarrrf are even more pikey than Gill and Glazer. Dusting off an old classic, saves money, very in nowadays.
The current situation is entirely our fault; in Europe and on the home front we have been getting spanked harder than a politician in a dungeon with a safe word.
Let us get radical, throw stuff at the walls and see what sticks. Here goes…
Anders Lindergaard shouldn’t let three goals against Newcastle dent his confidence. He did well but at the moment even the warriors are looking human, Vidic is out, Phil Jones is human and handicapped by playing in midfield because there is no one else; Tom Cleverley can only do so much when he returns from injury. On the opposite end of that scale, Michael Owen probably won’t do so much. Hernandez won’t always work as super sub and Wayne Rooney needs to start looking like he gives a shit. Fergie called out Rio Ferdinand in large part to see how he responded: well that worked well didn’t it? What’s the name of that knackered old horse they sent to the glue factory in Animal Farm, or the old geezer in Of Mice and Men… I don’t know what made me think of those two. I always rated William Prunier.
Cleverley’s return would at this point in time be like bringing a knife (albeit a good knife) to a gun fight; at least Scholes would be a 44 Magnum with solid steel cast. In the blessed name of Elvis, we could just let him blast if only for a half a season. Or, throw caution to the wind; call time on Kiko and give him to Italy permanently, say Inter Milan, for a carton of ribena, a starbar and another crack at talking to Wesley? Anderson seems to have gone to that wise seat once occupied by a form troubled Jordi, Poborsky and Forlan – the barber’s chair. GTS expects the new hair to inspire world class performances soon.
A few years ago many were saying that Darren Fletcher was good, but not United good. Too normal, too pedestrian, not really United but does the job… til we get someone better perhaps. We didn’t get someone better and Fletcher won people round to such an extent everyone to a man is gutted he isn’t going to be around. There is always Michael Carrick. Erm… Is Neil Webb still around? When he was kept away from England duty he did alright…
I don’t know if he would be the answer but the Gary Cahill deal has reached a sticking point; The Sun is yet to confirm to GTS whether that has anything to do with John Terry’s usual initiation of defensive partners… but by the time this goes onto our website he is expected to be wearing blue and earning a big wedge, maybe keep your home in the North West though lad, and maybe tell your wife to stay there.
This has been fun, the pain in my foot has gone for now thanks to kick ass medication – thankfully it helps me realise that the pain in my ass caused by my football team is not mine to solve – the responsibility for that lies with David Gill, in whom i have no faith, and Sir Alex, in whom I have lots of faith. History tells us he can be steadfast and stubborn and this may need to change this month. Please God, something must change.
I was kidding about William.